The world was introduced to pigtail-wearing, catholic schoolgirl-uniformed Britney Spears in 1998. She knew exactly what she was doing. There's nothing America loves more (or talking about more) than the bizarre mix of teenage innocence and adult sexuality. It's also a fact that America loves ellipses. There's no way ...Baby One More Time and Oops!...I Did It Again are coincidences.
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The world was a simpler, and much happier place in 2001, when Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were in love - and in matching denim outfits at the American Music Awards.
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Like teenage acne, everyone has an acting phase that comes and goes. Britney briefly dipped her toes into acting in the early 2000s, starring in the hit Crossroads with Zoe Saldana. Then she went back to what she’s actually good at.
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This was the period of time when Britney was at the height of her career. She delivered the most iconic VMAs performance of all time (sorry, Miley) with a snake, dated and dumped Justin Timberlake, and made out with Madonna. It was a good three years for Dirrty-ney.
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Our sweet country girl didn't just wake up one morning and shave her head on a whim. Before her complete meltdown, there was Hot Mess-ney, a slow walk down the path of 55-hour Vegas marriages, UPN reality shows, and huffing too many scents in preparation for creating a fragrance line. Clearly, the combination of Paris Hilton and pregnancy hormones really brings out the best in everyone.
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We all know that the umbrella is the worst of all the rain accessories. I would shave my head too in order to get an umbrella closed without splintering one of the thousands of spindly little metal rods. When the mighty fall, they fall hard.
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Blonde-ney is forever. Brunette-ney was but a fleeting (few) moment(s). The gorgeous God-ney locks fluctuate more than Kirstie Alley, but there’s one thing we can agree on: we don’t speak of the red-headed step-daughter from 2014.
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Britney Jean is the classy rebound following the Great Hot Mess-ney Debacle of 2006-07. She’s got her affairs in order, is all business, and somehow acquired a smooth "Brit"-ish accent. So get to “work b*tches” and line up behind this #girlboss.
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To reach full Illuminati potential, Pop Princess-ney had to take on Vegas. Every queen has conquered this city on her way to being crowned a full-fledged diva: Cher, Bette Midler, Celine Dion, Donny Osmond...
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Brit knows that the best accessory these days is a mini-me. We just hope these cuties take after their glorious goddess of a mother and that Kevin’s rapping “skills” skipped a generation. Judging by the skateboarding videos from proud Mother Suspearior, they certainly inherited their mother’s footwork.
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It’s pretty self-explanatory. As a mere teenager, Britney of Kentereth sold 37 million albums worldwide, dispersing them like loaves and fishes. She also single-handedly kept TRL afloat well past its prime. Plus, Jesus only came back once. Britney Jean clearly has the Holy Spearit.
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