Martha Stewart is a homemaking goddess. She knows how to cook delicious food, make a home look like it’s out of a magazine, and throw parties you’ll remember for a lifetime, but one skill she didn’t pick up on until recently is food photography. Her photos have improved in recent years, but we still can’t get over these cringe-worthy pictures that we’re convinced aren’t actually from her kitchen or famous restaurants, but actually from the prison cafeteria.
Order Up: Mermaid Slop
Second course. Marinated herring en gelee with fingerling potatoes in a dijon mustard sauce. Yummy pic.twitter.com/FVqSYumkgd
— Martha Stewart (@MarthaStewart) October 25, 2013
The dish itself sounds unappetizing, and looks even more unappetizing. It looks like some weird fish and carrot soup that a homeless mermaid would scrounge together.
Order Up: Vomit Salad
Iceberg wedge with homemade Russian dressing. Perfect salad for the onion soup lunch pic.twitter.com/KQatWUKUdl
— Martha Stewart (@MarthaStewart) November 17, 2013
Does this “homemade Russian dressing” consist of someone vomiting on her chunk of crispy water? (Seriously, what kind of a chef chooses iceberg lettuce out of all the lettuces?)
Order Up: The Lumberjack Special
Foie gras walnut brioche. Delicious by Kristen Kishinev pic.twitter.com/6OFzTcWh0j
— Martha Stewart (@MarthaStewart) November 16, 2013
I don’t even know what this dish is, and I don’t really want to. Martha, you can have all the hunks of lumber covered in breadcrumbs to yourself.
Order Up: Beef Jerky Fettuccine
What a wonderful treat. White truffles and pasta a la jean Georges. So delectable. pic.twitter.com/Byi6HDlbRB
— Martha Stewart (@MarthaStewart) November 1, 2013
“So delectable.” I think not; I’ll pass on the pieces of burnt leather. The pasta may be alright, but you could never tell by this photo.
Order Up: The Raw Carnivore's Delight
This is delicious steak tartar with quail egg, takashi marinade(secret) and shiso leaf pic.twitter.com/2lEeMq7gEo
— Martha Stewart (@MarthaStewart) May 3, 2013
I know some people love a steak so rare that it moos, but I don’t think anyone besides Martha believes that raw ground beef covered in grass is a delicacy.
Order Up: Chef's Mystery Meal
Pickerel. In a spicy tomato based broth. A varied menu. No choice. Just chef directed. Very good edulis pic.twitter.com/t27rScc9eJ
— Martha Stewart (@MarthaStewart) October 25, 2013
First of all, the quality of this pic is worse than a 90s disposable camera, but I’m actually kind of glad because I don’t want to see a clearer picture of a piece of fresh mozzarella served over a bed of soggy seaweed and swimming in orange juice.
Order Up: Alien Stew
Third course at edulis. Portuguese squid grilled on a plancha with bacon grapes onions. Delicious pic.twitter.com/bv7is17x1R
— Martha Stewart (@MarthaStewart) October 25, 2013
Mmm. Who doesn’t love a good onion, grape, celery, and milk soup?! It doesn't even look like it belongs in this galaxy.
Order Up: The "Don't-Ask-What's-Underneath" Dessert
Best yet. Puree of celeriac and white Croatian truffles. Fragrant buttery and so good. Kudos to the chef pic.twitter.com/vnl9J68lx0
— Martha Stewart (@MarthaStewart) October 25, 2013
Even if you top what looks like pureed baby food with brown sugar, it’s still not going to be a good time.
Order Up: All Parts of the Goat
Watermelon goat cheese salad with salt and olive oil at nougatine at jean Georges pic.twitter.com/kBk6iDpVL7
— Martha Stewart (@MarthaStewart) August 23, 2013
“Watermelon goat cheese salad.” More like “raw goat and goat cheese salad.” Disgusting.
Order Up: Fresh Fish and Lake Water
Smoked beef pancetta with baby whitebait and monkfish liver. This is japanese style korean barbecue pic.twitter.com/VjU4NiY0NW
— Martha Stewart (@MarthaStewart) May 2, 2013
I think I’d choose my $2 Lean Cuisine over this cilantro-covered, fish-juice-bathed monstrosity any day.
