The parenting landscape in the United States is quickly changing for the better. With the rise of legislation and court rulings affirming the legality of same-sex marriage, gay people are beginning to take on the role of caregiver by starting their own families.
However, as anyone with kids can tell you, this is not an easy feat—parenting may be rewarding, but it’s a huge lifetime commitment as well. If you’re a gay parent or are thinking about becoming one, you may be worried you don’t have what it takes, and you’re far from the only person who feels this way.
Here are a few tips for people just like you. Hopefully they will make your parenting duties a little easier and will help you create a happy, healthy family.
Realize that straight parents don’t have all the answers either.
There’s a misconception that straight people are biologically primed to be good parents, and as a gay person, this can make you feel like your parenting skills are less than optimal. However, here’s a little secret—straight parents are just as confused and scared about raising a child as you are.
Regardless of sexual orientation, being a good mom or dad takes a lot of work, and yes, some trial and error as well. Comparing yourself and your abilities to those of straight parents (or even other gay ones) will always make you feel like you don’t stack up against the competition, so it’s best to avoid this. As long as you’re providing your child a safe and loving home, there’s not much more you need to do to be a great parent.
Don’t worry about traditional gender roles.
In many old-school straight families, parents have traditionally defined roles—mom is the homemaker and child raiser, and dad is the breadwinner and decision maker. However, even some gay parents try to apply these submissive and authoritarian roles to their own relationships. In the long run, though, this can be a bad idea.
For one, you might come to resent the predetermined roles you’ve set for yourselves, which can make them feel stifling and depressing. Secondly, there’s no good reason why you should parent in this way simply because that’s how it’s always been done. People like to think that there’s such a thing as the “ideal” or “normal” family, but there’s really no such thing. Every family, gay or straight, does things a little differently, and the most important thing is that you find a system that works for yours.
Be proud of your family.
Even though acceptance of gay people has risen sharply over the past decades, there are still naysayers. Whether it’s through a disapproving glance or rude comment, there will be people who don’t approve of you or your family. It’s important that you don’t let attitudes like these interfere with your ability to be a good parent—you worked hard for your family, and you should be proud of it.
The easiest and most diplomatic way to deal with people like this is to simply ignore them. Obviously, if you feel like they pose a real threat to you or your children you should speak up, but for the most part, simply living your life as a proud gay parent is the best comeback you can give them.
