"Whoever stole our A/C units--keep one. It is hot where you're going."
Whoa! Now this burn definitely needs some emergency treatment. There are two things that stop, drop, and roll won’t help you with: Hell and this massive fiery comeback. Who steals an air conditioning unit from a church anyway? Forget murder, adultery, and bearing false witness--A/C theft is the real sin.
"Adam and Eve--The First People to Not Read the Apple Terms and Conditions"
Now I'll definitely think twice before skipping over any other terms and conditions. After all, knowledge is power! Honestly, Adam and Eve probably got a better deal than the rest of us. At least the Devil doesn't want to track your every move on your iPhone.
"Some people should use glue stick instead of chapstick."
This is not an explicitly religious message, but there has never been a church sign message that's been more true than this one. We don't know which loudmouth parishoner the sign guy is calling out, but this is a great low-key burn. And hey, if a glue stick won't do the job, you can always try super glue!
"Easter comes once a year--how often do you?"
Ummm, I don't really think that this church realizes just what this sign is saying. What started as a way to publicly shame those lazy parishoners who don't come to church often enough, ended up being a hilariously unintentional, X-rated inquiry. Let's just hope they're ready to hear people's answers!
"God loves you more than Kanye loves Kanye."
If there is only one absolute truth in the entire world, it's got to be this--no one loves Kanye more than Kanye. That being said, God isn’t exactly just your average Joe. Even Kanye knows there's no outdoing the man upstairs. I’m not gonna Runaway because there’s No Church in the Wild!
"This church used as Sharknado shelter!"
Oh, man! Here I was thinking I’d seen the last of Sharknado! At least, I know when the apocalypse hits and sharks rain down on us all, the Church of Christ has us covered. Quick! To the shelter! Eat your heart out, Jonah, there's a new sea creature in town.
"How many verses in the Bible are about eagles and patriots? Eagles: 33, Patriots: 0."
It's abundantly clear which team this church was rooting for at the Super Bowl. Unfortunately for this congregation, this is one Biblical prophecy that didn't come true exactly as predicted. While the Eagles did end up winning Super Bowl LII, it wasn't a blowout--they won modestly, 41 to 33.
"The world needs Jesus like the Force needs a win."
With all the hype around the new Star Wars film, Cornerstone knows exactly how to draw the crowds. Let me just say one thing: May the Force be with you…as you go to church! Clearly they're struggling to put butts in chairs if they're leaning in this heavily on the pop culture references!
"You can't enter Heaven unless Jesus enters you."
This double entendre is just too perfect to the point where we can't believe it's actually a real church sign. Real or not, it's clear that Jesus needs to learn to deal with his boundary issues. Let's try just being friends first before we start taking things to the next level.
"Common sense is a flower that doesn't grow in everyone's garden."
Yeah, pretty much. Sometimes the best church signs transcend religion with a message that is applicable to people of any faith. Going to church might give your life purpose, but it can't fix stupid--and this is one congregation who understands that just as well as they understand the Bible.
"What do church mice believe in? Cheeses!"
Puns are the best, aren’t they? This one is so bad that it’s actually good. Cheesus! The savior we all find deliciously holy. But even something as good as cheese would probably lead to turmoil in Christendom. Before you know it, the orthodox cheddars would be persecuting the mozzarella heretics.
"Come hear a zombie story with a lot less annoying bickering than The Walking Dead."
There's no way that this church sign can possibly be real. Everything it says about The Walking Dead is 100% true, but there's no way a church would refer to the life of Jesus as a "zombie story." It's still a sick TV show burn nonetheless.
"Hipster Jesus loved you before you were cool."
I may not be cool, but at least someone loves me...according to this sign, at least! I'd prefer the good, old fashioned Jesus, but hipster Jesus will do. A pair of skinny jeans and a stupid haircut probably won't prevent him from performing miracles or saving the world.
"Jesus said, 'I'll be back,' way before Arnold did."
Stop being a copycat, Arnold! We're not really sure who the target audience for this church sign is, though. Typically, churches go the pop culture route to pander to the hip youths, but what young'un these days even gets this reference? Do they even know who Arnold is anymore?
"Whoever is praying for snow--please stop."
Who would have thought that prayer could be this controversial? You would think that a church would want its members to be praying as much as possible about anything and everything, but clearly we were wrong! It's obvious that this church would prefer some sunny weather to come their way.
"Shrinkage is an on-going problem."
I'm not entirely sure what this sign is supposed to be advertising. It ended up being an unintentional (but hilarious) advertisement for the perils of swimming in the cold, but what was the sign's original meaning? Is this church losing members? Surely there's a better way to describe that than "shrinkage."
"God shows no favoritism, but our sign guy does--go Bama!"
Maybe we can’t all agree that Alabama is the best team in the world, but you have to admit this sign is hilarious. Who knows, maybe God has a favorite college football team after all. If he doesn't, he's probably upset that all this sign space is going to waste on sports.
"Forgive your enemies--it messes with their heads."
It might be a little malicious, but I guess this is still good advice. Ideally, you'd be forgiving people because it's the right thing to do, but spite-based forgiveness still gets the job done at the end of the day. Just don't let your enemies find out about your plan!
"Gave up sign change for Lent. Changing lives inside!"
Did you really give up changing the church sign for Lent if you make a sign announcing you're not changing the sign? It's a question that theologians have wrestled with since antiquity, but we still don't have a good answer. Hopefully this church can set us straight on such an important question.
"A long time ago in a Galilee far, far away..."
We don't know what it is with church signs and Star Wars puns, but the Christian world needs to try watching a different movie franchise from time to time. Also, if we follow of the logic of this sign, things get weird. Jesus is obviously Luke Skywalker, which would make God...Darth Vader?
"Staying in bed and shouting, 'Oh God!' does not constitute going to church."
Ouch. Do you have any aloe for that burn? This church sign knows some of us a bit better than we’d like. Attendance may be down right now at the church, but once all those babies start getting born, I'm sure it will shoot right back up. Or something like that.
"The fact that there's a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers."
It's fine for a church sign to imply you're going to hell in a roundabout way as long as they make it funny, and this is one sign that definitely meets that criteria. Let's just hope no one has underestimated Heaven's traffic numbers or there's likely to be a traffic jam on the stairway to Heaven.
"The best gift a mother ever gave was time on her knees."
This is absolutely not the message you want to see as you pull up into the church parking lot on Mother's Day. We understand being sheltered and not getting every single double entendre in the world, but this just takes things to ridiculous levels. Sorry mom, hopefully Mother's Day brunch will be better than church.
"He's all about that grace...'bout that grace...'bout that grace."
We’ve all heard the Meghan Trainor song—it’s impossible to get out of your head. Way to turn it around, Cornerstone! It’s all about that grace, bout that grace, no devil! Thankfully, no one cares about Meghan Trainor anymore so we won't have to see this corny pun ever again.
"Jesus is risen; baseball is back--high fives all around."
High fives all around sounds like the perfect amount of enthusiam for the return of baseball season, but when it comes to Jesus? You'd think that a church might get a bit more excited about the resurrection of their savior than just a simple high five. But what do we know?
"Do you know what hell is? Come hear our preacher."
Surely this poor guy can't be that bad of a preacher! But if he truly is, this is a great strategy for winning converts--if you think this boring, hour-long sermon is bad, just wait until you see how bad hell is! That might be the one thing that would scare us straight.
"Honk if you love peace and quiet."
Wait...what? Churches have been known to send mixed messages from time to time, but we've never seen a more confused message than this one! As much as we love peace and quiet, there's got to be a better way than this! Hopefully everyone who drove by this sign feels the same way.
"The Maury Show is not the only place to find your Father."
The Maury Show might be more entertaining than church, but at least God will never treat you like he's your deadbeat dad. All that being said, you don't get an all expenses paid trip to New York to appear at church. Maury giveth, and Maury taketh away.
"Hang out with Jesus. He hung out for you."
Guilt trips are always the way to go when it comes to church signs, and this one does it spectacularly. That being said, if we were crucified, we'd probably be pretty miffed to hear people describe it as just "hanging out." Hopefully the Lord is a little more forgiving of poorly worded signs than we are.
"I Was Addicted to the Hokey Pokey, But Then I Turned Myself Around."
Now that’s what it’s all about! Good, simple, clean fun! Is there any way to have more fun in a house of worship? Good thing they turned themselves around! And when you consider all the things you could be addicted to, you could really do worse than the Hokey Pokey.
