When I was pregnant I was given a ton of advice. None of it I asked for and only some of it was useful. Something about a pregnant belly makes people think that you want their opinions. It doesn’t… but it didn’t stop anyone from offering. As much unsolicited advice as I got, I still wasn’t prepared for all the weird and gross stuff that comes along with children. Here are 5 things that no one told me and I wish I would have heard.
- They poop at weird and very inconvenient times, leaving you to deal with the consequences.
And it's not just a newborn thing. This can even happen right after you set him or her in a warm bath, leaving floating poop pieces everywhere. And yes this is typically your job to clean up. If someone discovers a simple way to clean poop out of the bathtub please contact me ASAP.
- You will need to pick their noses… a lot.
Babies and toddlers get boogers and they need to be removed by someone and guess who gets the lucky task. Yep, Mom. Kids hate the process and so it’s not only gross, it’s also not easy. They squirm and scream so loud your neighbors will be concerned. Once you finally get that sucker out, you will be shocked at your feeling of accomplishment.
- Snot wiping will be second nature.
You will wipe snot with your sleeves, bottom of your shirt, and most likely your hand. It just happens. Parents get weird about other people’s kids slinging snot everywhere in public, so to avoid the dirty looks you will end up wiping snot discretely with whatever is available, even if it means your bare hand. And you won’t think twice about it, until you see the dried snot spots on your clothes after you get home.
- You will smell their butts.
I’m sure you’ve seen other parents smelling diapers to see if it’s their child responsible for producing that awful stench. (And yes it will be your kid. You shouldn’t even bother smelling.) It’s hard to realize how gross this job actually is until you get a huge whiff, and then realize it’s also your job to now clean that horrible odor-producing poop off your child’s rear. And if you’re really lucky you’ll accidentally stick your hand in it.
- Disgusting chewed-up food will land in your hands, hair, and will splatter your clothes.
Toddlers have this fun habit where they chew something up almost until it’s ready to swallow, then they decide it’s terrible and spit it out. It’s now your job to catch this practically regurgitated food. Your mom instinct will take over and you’ll catch it before you even realize what’s happened. Even better is when they go throw the spitting phase. Instead of delicately opening their mouth and letting the food fall out, they rear back and spit it for all their worth. Which sprays you and anyone lucky enough to be in the area.