Every year fantasy football fans pour over pages of player stats in order to craft their perfect team. However, quantitative data is so last year. Instead of taking this tired, traditional route, why not branch out and try some new decision-making techniques? Here are five unconventional ways for picking a fantasy football roster that are sure to leave you with a much more interesting team than all your friends.
- Choose players based on their looks.
There’s no indication that hot people are better at football, but when you’ve got a roster full of unadulterated man candy, does that really matter? Your team may fumble their way through the season, but gosh darn, they will look so good doing it.
- Choose players based on their criminal past.
Obviously you don’t want to be associated with any players who have a history of serious crimes, but if you populate your team with some guys that have a few criminal mischief or drunk and disorderly charges under their belt, you know you’ve got a fun group that has the drive to win by any means necessary. It may not be the most ethical approach to fantasy football, but this isn’t philosophy class—this is war.
- Choose players based on their wealth.
Players don’t get rich by being crappy at football, so it stands to reason that you might want a few moneymakers on your team. It’s rumored that Roger Staubach is worth $600 million, and while you’re not likely to find many current NFL stars worth that much, it’s easy enough to find some that are pushing a million or more. Who knows—your bourgeois team may help you win a couple bucks in your (hopefully) legal fantasy football betting pool.
- Choose players based on their Twitter followers.
In today’s social media-driven world, you don’t want to be associated with someone who’s not Twitter famous, and for that reason you should consider avoiding players with less than 20,000 followers. Fortunately, there are plenty of NFL stars blowing up in the Twitterverse to go around. For example, Darnell Dockett of the Arizona Cardinals has a respectable 170k followers and is full of funny tweets. And while he's not exactly a comedian, Tim Tebow has a very impressive 2.5 million followers.
- Choose players based on divination.
Nobody appreciates old-school occult practices anymore, but who is more qualified to give fantasy football advice that the spirit world? Break out your tarot cards, I Ching coins, and oracle bone fragments and see what’s in store for your team this season. Peyote or other spiritual drug use during the drafting process is, however, discouraged.