10. Joseph Stalin
When people talk about Joseph Stalin it’s always “Gulag this!” or “Mass graves that!” However, I like to remember this brutal dictator who murdered millions as a distinguished daddy-bear type with an awesome mustache.
And can we please talk about the fact that in his youth the Man of Steel was a dead ringer for former One Direction member and all-around heartthrob Zayn Malik? Now there’s a regime I’d be happy to suffer under.
(Image via ComtesseDeMingrelie)
9. Fidel Castro
Sure, Fidel Castro may have imprisoned political dissenters and stifled free speech in Cuba, but there’s just something incredibly sexy about far-left revolutionaries. Maybe it’s the scruffy beard; maybe it’s the stylish hat—whatever it is, it’s working for me. His looks have gone downhill as the years have gone by, but that’s a problem we all must face, whether we’re oppressor or oppressed.
It’s true that Che Guevara was the real dreamboat of the Cuban Revolution, but Castro managed to attain the political power it took to make him a complete package in the boyfriend department.
(Image via Ratatosk)
8. Rafael Trujillo
Rafael Trujillo may not have the name recognition of a Hussein or a Mussolini, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t try his hardest to make life a living hell for citizens of the Dominican Republic during his reign in the 1930s.
While he may have been responsible for the deaths of 50,000, he also showed the world that sexiness comes in all shapes and sizes. He wasn’t the most conventionally attractive dictator, but he knew how to work what the good Lord gave him. Plus, his unconventional moustache and clothing choices simply added to his allure.
(Image via Lubiesque)
7. Indira Gandhi
I think it’s a crying shame that in 2015 there aren’t more women to add to this distinguished list. However, Indira Gandhi is a true inspiration to ladies everywhere—she challenged misogynistic stereotypes and showed the world that the fairer sex is completely capable of orchestrating human rights violations on a national level.
Gandhi jailed naysayers and forcibly sterilized millions like the best of them, but the real reason she made the list is that irresistible, Bride-of-Frankenstein white streak in her updo. Only Britain’s almost-dictator, Margaret Thatcher, comes close besting to Gandhi’s awfulness or impeccable coiffure.
(Image via Materialscientist)
6. François Duvalier
What Duvalier lacked in humility, level-headedness, and basic human decency, he made up for in style. It’s true that his signature style looks suspiciously like he’s ripping off Malcolm X, but there’s no denying this Haitian president knew how to work a bow tie and some hipster glasses.
However, at one point, Duvalier claimed that a political rival had transformed himself into a dog in order to escape imprisonment. Why are the sexy ones always crazy?
(Image via LatinAmericanStudies.org)
5. Jared Kushner & Ivanka Trump
Donald Trump is not easy on the eyes, and that is an undisputed fact, even in our post-truth world. But his daughter and son-in-law have bucked the ugliness trend and opted to go for a beautiful-on-the-outside-vile-on-the-inside look instead. They may not be full-blown dicators yet, but they've been able to nepotize themselves into impressive positions of power behind the scenes of the Trump administration (for which they, too, are practically and morally unfit for). I wouldn't bat an eye if they attempted to seize control after our ~president~ is dragged kicking and screaming from the White House.
4. Muammar Gaddafi
Unlike fine wine, Muammar Gaddafi did not get better with age—by the end of his life, he looked like a perpetually sweaty Gene Simmons at best. However, in his youth he had rugged good looks and jaw line so chiseled you almost forget all those pesky war crimes. Think James Dean but more anti-Semitic.
Even as his looks began to deteriorate, Gaddafi’s fashion game stayed on point. During his tenure he frequently sported a variety of bizarre colors and prints that would have been right at home in an Alexander McQueen runway show.
(Image via Magnus Mankse)
3. Vladimir Lenin
Normally, I’m not a fan of the goatee-moustache combo, but there’s just something about Lenin’s angular features that makes it work. And unlike lots of older men, he wasn’t afraid to age with grace and embrace the bald look.
While Lenin isn’t a guy I would bring home to meet the parents, I’d gladly let him take me out for a night of drinking, dancing, and crushing our capitalist overlords.
(Iamge via INeverCry)
2. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is like a puppy—a cute, sexist, homophobic, anti-intellectual puppy. While some people are opposed to being with a guy shorter than them, I think that his tiny stature just makes him that much more adorable. I do wish he would keep his facial hair a bit more clean cut, but that’s something I can nag him about after the wedding.
However, if things don’t work out with papa Ahmadinejad, he’s got two sons. Judging from the few pictures I could find of them online, they seem to have inherited their father’s good looks. Plus, I’m confident that, given the opportunity, they could grow up to be just as ruthless and bloodthirsty.
(Image via ALH)
1. Vlad the Impaler
Vlad the Impaler lived by the mantra “hair makes the man.” In addition to having some seriously luscious locks that would make even Blake Henderson jealous, this proto-Dracula sported a killer moustache as well.
While many of the dictators on this list embraced bloodshed as a means to political power, Vlad seemed to genuinely enjoy torturing his subjects, which is a major red flag in my book. Our dates would be strictly limited to public places, and you better believe I would tell my roommate to look for my body, should I not return.
(Iamge via Jembob)