"Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer"
We can tell by the tone and delivery of this song that it is supposed to be funny, but we've have never seen it that way. This kid’s grandmother is brutally killed outside his home, and he is morbidly amused by it. Moreover, it goes into pretty graphic detail. The lyrics are, "She had hoof-prints on her forehead and incriminating Clause marks on her back."
Putting aside the death of the grandma, there are still troubling aspects to the song. The grandfather seems unconcerned with this wife's death and continues to watch football, play cards with his cousins, and drink beer. In fact, the grandmother herself was intoxicated during her maiming. We're all about some holiday fun, but this may be just a little over the top.
The speaker of this song is not fond of subtlety. She has a taste for the more luxurious things in life, and she doesn’t mind flirting heavily to get her way. The song paints her as a selfish golddigger, which isn't exactly the Christmas spirit. The lyric that's the worst to us is, "Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing: A ring. I don't mean on the phone." Is there anything this girl doesn't want?
Technically, this song is still titled "Santa Baby," but Michael Buble decided to put his own bro-friendly twist on it. He refers to Santa as "buddy," "pally," "dude," and "Papi" throughout the song and changes lyrics like "Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring, and I don't mean on the phone," to "Santa Papi, forgot to mention one little thing, cha-ching, no I don't mean as a loan." Was this really necessary, Michael? Let's bring up another just for laughs: "Santa buddy, a '65 convertible, too, steel blue. I'll wait up for you dude, Santa buddy. And hurry down the chimney tonight."
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"
Rudolph is like the socially awkward IT guy at work; no one invites him to lunch until one day everyone realizes he's the only person in the office who knows how to work the printer. "All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games." This song sends a terrible message to children; everyone should be treated with respect, regardless of how "useful" they are to you.
Granted, most people don’t even know there are multiple verses to "Jingle Bells," but it gets dark later in the song. "The horse was lean and lank. Misfortune seemed his lot. We got into a drifted bank, and then we got upsot." It’s no wonder most people gloss over the part about drunk driving and a possibly fatal carriage accident.
"I'll Be Home for Christmas"
This Christmas classic has been remade countless times over the years because of its romantic melody and lyrics. But what people seem to forget (or just not realize) is that it was originally written from the perspective of a World War II soldier who won't get to return home for the holidays—so he's dreaming about it instead. It's actually a very dark, tragic song. "Christmas Eve will find me where the lovelight gleams. I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams."
"You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch"
This is coming from a movie that is supposed to be directed toward children. The narrator of the story is extremely harsh to the Grinch through a terribly insulting song that undercuts the moral of the tale. "Your soul is an appalling dump heap overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable."
"Back Door Santa"
This one takes the cake for "Most Disturbing Christmas song," hands down. It describes a grown man sneaking into children's homes and delivering presents...if you know what I mean. "They call me Back Door Santa. I'll make my runs about the break of day. I make all the little girls happy while the boys are out to play." Wait up, though. Little girls? That's taking it a step too far.
"Do They Know It’s Christmas?"
"There's a world outside your window, and it's a world of dread and fear." These lyrics go on to say, "Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears, and the Christmas bells that ring, there are the clanging chimes of doom. Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you." We understand that this song was meant to raise awareness for those less fortunate, but it is needlessly depressing. We don’t need an upbeat '80’s pop song about thousands of people starving to death.
"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"
"Oh, what a laugh it would have been if Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Clause last night." What does it say about the speaker of the song? As far as he knows, his mother is an adulteress, and his first thought is that it would be funny if his father walked in and saw it. This kid doesn’t think very much of his parents as a couple.
"Baby, It’s Cold Outside"
This entire song is about a very forceful man refusing to take no for an answer. "Say, what's in this drink?" Now, are we supposed to gather that he drugged his guest? Nothing says “Christmas” quite like sexual assault.
"Please Daddy" (Don’t Get Drunk On Christmas)"
"Please Daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas. I don't wanna see my mama cry." Where do we begin with this one? The alcoholism or the abuse? We’ll let you take your pick. Any way you look at it, this is not a song you want to share with your family during the holidays.
"The Christmas Shoes"
Okay, so I think we are all in agreement that this is the worst song to ever be recorded. This song about a child using his last penny to buy his dying mother one last gift can be heard in overpriced department stores across the country. How’s that for Christmas irony? Don't believe us? Here are the lyrics: "You see she's been sick for quite a while, and I know these shoes would make her smile. And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight."
"Santa Claus is Coming to Town"
"He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake." We understand that the whole point of Santa Claus is to get children to behave, but most of this song sounds like a threat. Saint Nick should be a jolly soul, not a menacing presence who watches little kids sleep.
"Don't Shoot Me, Santa"
This Christmas original by The Killers is a doozy. You better not pout, you better not cry, because Santa's got a gun and he's apparently going to use it. "Don't shoot me, Santa Claus. No one else around believes me. But the children on the block, they tease me. I couldn't let them off that easy."
"I'm dreaming of a white Christmas." What’s wrong with dreaming of a white Christmas? Well, global warming is what’s wrong. For many people, the reason Christmas isn’t white anymore is because we’re killing our planet. This probably isn’t the original intention of the song, but it’s the only image some people can think of since they stopped getting snow ages ago.
“Blue Christmas” isn’t necessarily a disturbing song. It’s a badly written sad song. The biggest reason we know it's sad is because the singer's Christmas is "blue, blue, blue." The singer doesn't necessarily do a great job of conveying their sadness. It just tells us that the singer is sad, sad, sad. "That's when those blue memories start calling."
“Last Christmas” is another song that's more depressing than it is disturbing, but we’re still not fans. It’s a sad song about someone who’s going to dive into their next relationship even though they still aren’t over their ex. It sounds like it was catered towards middle school girls. "Last Christmas, I gave you my heart." Maybe don't put someone through that?
“It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year”
Andy Williams’ hit Christmas song is one of the biggest Christmas classics around. The weird part? The line “There’ll be scary ghost stories.” Ghost stories are more of a Halloween tradition. Christmas is for jolly present-bringers and magical reindeer.
“Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas”
If you listen closely, this song is pretty ominous. “Through the years we all will be together if the fates allow.” Uh, if the fates allow? That’s a dark way of thinking about the holidays.
Another song that talks about waiting under the mistletoe, but unlike “All I Want for Christmas,” this dude doesn’t even know the person he’s trying to kiss. Not even going to take them to dinner first? "Hang the mistletoe. I'm gonna get to know you better this Christmas."
“Happy Xmas (War is Over)”
"Happy Xmas" seems like it’s about pointing fingers. Then the song continues and talks about wishing people a merry Christmas and happy New Year but then turns bleak and says, “let’s hope it’s a good one without any fear.” Yikes.
“Frosty the Snowman”
At its heart, “Frosty the Snowman” is about a magical snowman who lives and dies on the same day. "Let's run and we'll have some fun before I melt away." Frosty knew it was going to be hot but committed suicide while playing with the children. RIP Frosty.
“Millie Pulled a Pistol on Santa”
This song is full of disturbing lyrics. It’s a single that tells the story of a girl whose father who abuses her. No one believes her when she tells people, so she buys a gun and shoots her father in a Macy’s, where he works as a Santa. "I guess her father must have got the same feeling. I mean, actually finding his own daughter Millie appealing." Whoa. Hold up there.
The Kinks made this masterpiece about a man who works as a Santa and got beat up by a gang of kids who wanted money instead of toys. "Father Christmas, give us some money. We'll beat you up if you make us annoyed."
“Santa Clause is Watching You”
Christmas songs are riddled with Santa watching people and spying on them in ways we’d never imagine. This one goes above and beyond as the singer says Santa is head of the CIA, and he’s tapped phones. "You can't do nothin' 'cause you're never alone. He's even got a wiretap on your phone."
“Up On the House Top”
Santa is coming down the chimney to give kids presents, but little Will gets some items that are probably better left to Mommy and Daddy. “What a glorious fill”—not the words we’d use. "Here is a hammer and lots of tacks. Also a ball and a whip that cracks."
“We Three Kings”
What does myrrh smell like? According to this song, the most depressing scent anyone can think of. "Myrrh is mine. It's bitter perfume breaths a life of gathering gloom. Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying, sealed in the stone-cold tomb." Listen, Axe body spray is bad, but we’d rather that than myrrh at this point.
“Bells Will Be Ringing”
Christmas is about being with family and friends, but what if you don’t have any? That’s what this song is about, and it’s depressing enough to make us worry about the singer. Someone get him (or her) some help. "Oh, what a Christmas to have the blues. My baby's gone, I have no friends to wish me greetings, once again."
“I Have a Little Dreidel”
This is the most well-known Hanukkah songs out there, but the person making the dreidel has some opinions we find questionable. "It has a lovely body with legs so short and thin and when he gets all tired, he drops and then I win." They personify the dreidel into a man that is “lovely.” Ahm. What kind of dreidel are they making?