That's Some Airtight Logic
Okay, first of all, Mr. Ad, no one accused you of anything. It's pretty suspicious that you would offer up this statement unprompted.
Second of all, the fact that Photoshop didn't exist way back when is irrelevant. What's important is that Photoshop exists now, and you almost certainly manipulated whatever photo is behind that link.
Is This Clickbait or 50 Shades of Grey?
When clickbait and celebrity gossip merge, the results are...something. I'm sure Nicole Kidman is just thrilled that this headline is out floating around the internet.
But what makes this particularly hilarious is how it manages to be specific and vague at the same time. We simultaneously know in great detail what Nicole Kidman is up to but we also haven't got the foggiest what any of it means.
We Don't Hate Him, We Hate You
I'm going to be a little generous with this headline. I don't doubt that dermatologists hate him, but not for the reasons you think.
You see, dermatologists probably hate "him" because there's a nonstop stream of patients who have seen this asinine ad and demand access to his "shocking" anti-aging secret.
How Could She Didn't Know?
She might know what's inside her, but I'm willing to wildly speculate. Bones. Blood. Intestines. Probably a baby or a parasite considering this is a clickbait headline.
This headline is actually important because it highlights the ignorance of American youth about their own bodies and biology. "How could she didn't know?" Truer words have ne'er been spoken.
Let's Have a Baby...or Not
Babies are all fun and games until you know where they come from. And don't even get me started on how they're made...
Once again, we have a clickbait headline that still contains a nugget of wisdom. I wholeheartedly agree that "Yikes." is an appropriate response to witnessing the "miracle" of childbirth.
A Doctor Said It So It Must Be True
Okay first all, I'm sure your gastroenterologist is not thrilled that you're going around calling him a "gut doctor." At the very least, don't do it to his face.
But I love the image of a guy in a lab coat on his knees begging you to toss out broccoli crowns. Mine have started to smell a little funky, so that might be good advice actually...
They Fear What They Do Not Understand
This has gone beyond simple hatred--grocery stores actively fear this man now. And for good reason! He's apparently got a system that will allow even the brain dead to rob their local supermarkets blind.
And before you even start, no, it's not coupons. It's probably something even scammier and more obnoxious.
Pirates of the Red Planet
Break out your eye patches and parrots--we're headed to Mars. Actually, we'll probably need to swing by NASA to grab that treasure map too.
This probably links to an article about potential valuable metals or something under the surface, which would have been an interesting read on their own. But for some reason, publishers are just naturally masochistic and need you to actively hate them as you read.
My Eyes Can't Carry a Tune
Any chump can sing with their eyes closed. Show me someone who can sing with their eyes open, and I'm basically yours for the taking.
What makes this headline all the more inspiring is that this wasn't some professional musician who managed the feat after years of grueling practice. No, this was a child singing. With her eyes open. The world truly is a surprising and beautiful place.
He's Either Reached Enlightenment or He's Got Skin Cancer
Who'd have thought a man talking about his arm would be so interesting? Definitely not me--I'm fully aware of how uninteresting that sounds.
And while the whole of science, culture, and law compressed into a mole does sound a little more interesting, I'm skeptical that they'll be able to deliver on that claim.
I Would Rather Eat the Diaper Myself Than Find Out
How this story even managed to make it to the clickbait headline stage is beyond me. This is what we would have classified as "not news" a mere ten years ago. This weirdo would have been eating his burrito diaper in peace and we would be none the wiser.
Yet here we are, titillated by the thought of diaper news.
Thank God I'm Not a Celebrity
Some would say that this is just plain cruel. But I disagree. I think its cruelty is exquisite and multifaceted, like a blood diamond.
Also, I would imagine that whatever ad platform promoted this article brought it upon themselves. The absurd and ever-changing restrictions about what words can and can't be used in headlines turn slideshows about celebrities who haven't aged well into slideshows about celebrities who have "grown" into "horrible looking creatures."
Abandon Hope All Ye Who See This
Stars, They're Disgusting Just Like Us
In his defense, pretty much anyone is going to look terrible after gaining 280 pounds. Thankfully, most of us are not famous enough to make our weight gain newsworthy.
Also in his defense, if that's Julia Robert's husband after gaining 280 pounds, then he probably needed to put on a little weight to begin with.
Are You a Believer?
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that, yes, I absolutely can believe what baby ducks would do the first time they saw water. It's almost as if millions of years of evolution has installed it as a instinct inside of them.
It's pretty sad that some cute baby ducks swimming (which I would gladly click on) have become so passe that we've got to wrap them up in some nonsense BS headline.
Move Over, Tiger King
Here's another instance where I'm going to go against the grain and say that, no, I in fact CAN believe what happens next. Or rather, I know what SHOULD happen next.
I'm sure this is actually some interspecies best friends heartwarming story, but I prefer the version in my head where the guy is immediately eaten for being dumb enough to hug a lion.
1 Dirty Little Secret to Going to Jail Forever
Things Are Getting Out of Control
A Literal Information Diet
Listen headline, science could prove tomorrow that all food is poison, and I would still shove pizza down my throat for all eternity. So something tells me that this article isn't going to be able to deliver.
Also, what's with the "you'll never want to eat again" euphemism? Let's follow that to its logical conclusion--When You Read These 19 Shocking Food Facts, You'll Drop Dead.
Oh Ye of Little Faith
I Want to Believe
Life in the Deep End
Just the Plain Truth
This headline is so clickbait-y that it's circled back around to sanity--I think that most people would agree with the idea that drinking pee is gross.
What's hilarious about this is that they thought they needed an article or video as some sort of supporting evidence for this assertion. Literally just think about it for two seconds and then move on with your day.
Peanut Butter: Heaven or Hell?
No, I'm Baby
This one challenges all of my hatred for clickbait. Everything about it is just so weird that I can't help but enjoy it in a sick way.
I don't know what it is, but there's just something about the ungrammatical clunkiness of "I'm baby," that makes me cackle. Which I should probably feel bad for because I'm sure this is some horrific news story wrapped up in an absurd clickbait headline.
Move Over, Einstein
Some men are cursed to a life of mediocrity--a life in service to others and their vision. But not this man.
I'll be honest, when I heard there was a guy going around cutting off toilet brush handles, I went a little crazy. This was happening in MY America? The world just isn't ready for for such genius! Maybe in another 20 years.
It Doesn't Get Better
Forget family holidays. Forget falling in love. Forget every good memory you've ever had because they all pitifully pale in comparison to this modern visionary who had the foresight to place a mug over a raw egg.
I have no idea what this article could possible be about, and, quite frankly, I don't what to know. Whatever the reality is, it won't be as hilarious as this out-of-context headline.
The More You Know
Robots? Think again. Monkeys? You fool. Aliens? They probably had a hand in it, but still no. I'm here today to proudly proclaim something that some might find controversial: human beings wrote the dictionary.
Thankfully, we have this headline to help clear up any confusion for people who might not have heard the big news.