Oak is a fabulous wood, probably one of the best. However, those dated oak cabinets need to be refinished with a modern color or stain. Until you do, there’s no amount of decor that can cover the grandma underneath it all.
Many decide to forgo a much-needed renovation and just rock the oak look. However, just know everyone is secretly judging you for your bad decisions.
Along with the farmhouse craze, doilies have resurfaced and found their new place, and we have strong opinions about it. Do NOT bring those grimy dust collectors into your home. People may say otherwise, but they’ve lost their way to “Grandma Chic.”
Doilies are completely useless and just add to the clutter in a home. If you’re considering a sudden doily collection, just don’t and say you did.
Potpourri, those dusty scented wood shavings need to go--all the way in the trash! You may still see them in select stores but look the other way. Potpourri is out, and has been since 1989. Free up that space on your bathroom counter and toilet tanks and maybe wipe them down with some Lysol every now and then.
If you could hold a blacklight to these biohazard cesspools you would never, EVER, bring them into your home again. Throw the potpourri in the garbage and never speak of it again, we promise we won’t either.
Silk Floral Arrangements
Nothing is more grandma chic than dusty, silk floral arrangements. In grandma houses across America this is the one thing that will be in every corner, floating shelf, and coffee table. Keep the silks at bay. If you need an acronym, just remember this M&M: Modern and Minimal.
We know what you’re thinking, and yes, a touch of florals can brighten up any space. However, if those arrangements haven’t been dusted off and refurbished in a year, you’re on the verge of “granny-chic,” and it’s not a good look.
Precious Moments Angels
Oh boy, you already know what we’re talking about! Precious Moments Angels are those tiny granny gremlins that you can’t touch or even stand too close to! These ceramic tchotchkes are so coveted, you may feel prompted to shroud them in a glass cabinet for safe viewing. The fact of the matter is that they're not all that great.
We’re here to tell you, it’s the angels brainwashing you. They’d be just as safe in the trash. Actually, you know what? Throw them in the trash today before the granny vibes seep any further into your brain. Next thing you know, you'll put out those hard strawberry candies in a glass bowl.
Back in the day it was a novel idea to adorn the tops of your cabinets with the cheapest, scraggliest strand of faux ivy you could find. People just put them up there and totally forgot about them for 30 years!
If you’ve ever ventured to the tops of your cabinets, you would know those are poison-ivy dust traps that are sure to be causing you allergies.
Pioneer Woman Kitchenware
If you’re looking to make SURE that everyone knows you’re a down-home southern “Ma,” be sure to hit up the clearance aisle at your local Walmart for the Pioneer Woman collection. We recommend going before 5am to beat the traffic.
Nothing says “I’m a Grandma” like overbearing floral cookware! I mean really, you might as well start wearing your glasses around your neck and spying on your neighbors through your mini blinds. Those kids aren’t up to anything grandma!
Dust ruffles - it’s all in the name. Dust. Ruffle. These heinous bed skirt accessories have now gone the way of the top sheet. If you’re still rocking the dust ruffle, you may just be someone's grandma.
Many will say that dust ruffles cover the underside of the bed, but to those people we ask – “What secrets are hiding under the bed, grandma?”
Listen, we’re not here to dog on solid wood furniture, we love it! However, oak furniture just screams “I got this from my Grandma’s estate sale.” We hate to break it to you, but it’s just not the look.
Consider refinishing these pieces, but please for the love of everything good and fashionable, do not go for the farmhouse shabby-chic look!
Cherry Wood Furniture
If you thought oak furniture was the only hardwood that made our list, you were wrong. Cherry wood is just as bad. Cherry wood is what most grandmas replaced their oak dining set with… in 1982!
If you’re still clinging to these dated pieces, this is your sign to let them go. If not, you may just be featured on the next season of “Hoarders - Buried Alive.”
We know buying houseplants is a wonderfully whimsical experience, however if the thought crosses your mind to buy a fern, remember this bit of advice. Ferns belong in retirement homes, and no one wants to sweep up after that mess anyways.
Even if you’re considering putting your ferns on the front porch, just remember that Cracker Barrel does the same thing. Do you want your house to look like Cracker Barrel? We hope not...
Ceramic Cat Statue
We’re not sure where these creepy, ultra-life-like statues came from (probably the same place as those precious angels) but these faux felines need to become alley-cats. As in, in the trash - in the alley.
In all seriousness if you love cats that much just get a real one. We promise they’ll sit there with the same soul-piercing stare.
Yard flags do exactly what baby-boomers love to do - state the obvious. Yes, spring is in the air. You can feel it every time you walk outside, and the pollen punches you in the face. Thanks for the reminder, Nancy.
If the seasonal reminders weren’t bad enough you could also go for the inspirational saying variety of yard flag. Or you could not and spare us all the external display of your internal monologue.
Traditionally, magazine racks went next to your favorite chair and housed your prized magazines and newspapers. These can still be used today, but if you’re still reading magazines and newspapers you may have a bigger problem on your hands.
If you’re still reading magazines to the extent you need a holder for them, please go get in your car or truck, drive to the nearest Best-Buy and buy a $100 tablet. Deforestation isn’t cute.
The Entire Martha Stewart Collection
The Martha Stewart collection is chocked full of pastels and varying shades of beige - all the wonderful colors your grandma would pick. You also have riveting pattern options like florals, gingham, and plaid.
If you find yourself picking up one of her matronly pieces at Khols, just don’t. Get in your car, and never look back.
People who praise paisley are delusional from staring at it for too long. This overbearing pattern is so ugly that it convinces people it’s pretty. The only person who still has a place for paisley is your great grandmother. It’s horribly busy and completely overwhelms a room.
From paisley pillows to paisley curtains, you can find this print on just about anything. Just like how there’s always flies on your garbage can outside! Just because it’s out there doesn’t mean you should put it in your home. Leave the paisley at your grandma’s house.
Floral Wall Art
When shopping for wall art, there’s no shortage of floral pieces. But don’t sell yourself short. Spend a little more time shopping around for the perfect picture. Leave the florals for the people who need them the most. Women over the age of 70.
Nothing says grandma’s house quite like a nice blush peony on the wall. We get it, they’re pleasant and bring in a little color, but save those florals for when you need them most. I hear they look great at funerals, since you’re one foot in the grave anyways.
Mauve? What in the world is mauve? Mauve is the disturbing color that exists somewhere between purple, red, brown, and pink. Image mixing ketchup, mayo, and purple food dye. That’s mauve. Most people under forty don’t even know this color exists.
So, take a hint, Mauve is for grannies! Unless you’re baking fresh cookies for your grandchildren, Reighleigh, Breyleigh, and Kayleigh you don’t need a speck of mauve in your house. Mauve in the home is like a house full of roaches. Once you let it in, you’ll never get rid of it.
We’re so tired of farmhouse decor. Seriously, people spent their entire lives from 2015 to 2019 making their homes look like an abandoned barn left stranded in the middle of a Kansas corn field! Unfortunately, the farmhouse fanaticism hit this most vulnerable demographic the hardest - the elderly.
So, if you ripped out your kitchen and crammed in a gigantic sink and hung rusty barn doors all throughout your house, you may be entitled to financial compensation. Just kidding, you made those choices all on your own.
About ten years ago the wall clock craze was in full tilt. From big to little, people were hanging clocks EVERYWHERE. Some were even painting giant clocks on the wall. For what reason? We’re not sure because half the population doesn’t even know how to read an analog clock anymore.
Maybe the people obsessed with analog clocks haven’t quite made the jump into smartphones yet. Wall clocks (especially in excess) are tacky and useless. People don’t want to be reminded of the time ticking by, especially when they’re over-the-hill. Ditch that clock and get yourself and smartphone grandma!